Friday, October 2, 2015

My Spirits Aren't Crushed.

"We have to pray with our eyes towards God, rather than on the difficulties."

This is truly the hardest task for me. I sometimes call myself pessimistic Paige. I fret, I get angry, I cry, I hide it inside, but for some reason the older I get the more I'm letting my emotions out. Which is so confusing, because that is not the woman that I am. 

But reality is hard. It's a difficult process to accept things. Just this week, I (jokingly.. Kind of) asked my Mother if I could move back home. To say that my heart hurts is an understatement. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sitting in my bathroom, hiding from my children at this moment with tears rolling down my cheeks. It would be a fib, if I said that I didn't break down crying yesterday because Charli Beth's last two ball games were cancelled. I would be comiting yet another sin, if I said that every happy moment I am in, isn't followed by a horrific face just sad of the possibilities. 

You see, it's literally pulling emotions through me of the "what ifs." I'm on a emotional roller coaster, and my worst fear is upon me.

It's not something that any of us ever think that we may have to face. Then the "bad c word" arrives and it strikes another light, and brings to life the pain that so many have. 

It may not be the process I ever invisioned, and the reality of how weak I am is slapping me in the face Mike Tyson style. But somewhere deep in these emotions, I will find hope. I will find the point where I no longer look around and worry. 

It's confusing to be in a stage of grief when there is so much life around me.

 I find peace in scriptures that come to mind of how the Lord is with the broken-hearted. My spirits are not crushed, but they are hurting. My Lord is hearing my cries, and seeing my heartache. For this, I know he will provide. In some way, some form, or fashion. His will always shines through. But that doesn't mean it takes my hurt as a daughter away. 

At some point, I will figure out what hope means. I will not be annoyed by the person saying, "God always has a reason." (I mean really shut up with that.) I will not start crying while watching my kids or when Tombstone comes on the tv. I will learn that time is precious, and for that very reason I shall be happy within the moment.

But for now, I'm sad. I just don't understand, and have more emotions than Drop Dead Fred. 


I may not update between now and Monday. So, please be in prayer for my Dad as he begins his new chemo journey on Monday at 9 a.m. May he be as strong and positive as he always is, and my Mother as well. 

Monday, September 28, 2015

His battle, is our battle. Forever supporting my Dad.

This small church has held my family for many years. We've gathered together for holidays, Sunday worships, weddings and youth gatherings. I've sat on the pews, and prayed at the altar. I've cried and also sat in peace while listening to sermons that spoke to the core of my heart. 

It never fails that when I go "home" I feel at peace. My heart feels content, and I'm just truly happy to see old loved ones that I rarely see in the season of life that I am in. Yet, this very new season of life kept my heart from feeling content while I visited yesterday. My heart ached, my tears ran over board as I held my Mothers hand. All while my heart just literally wanted to fall to floor while screaming. 

This wasn't the first time I had heard these painful words that my Dad gave in a testimony to his church. Although, they still felt the same. The tears still felt new, and the hurt in my heart had never left. 

On Thursday, my parents called my sister and our spouses over to give information they had received from the oncologist. My heart was unsettled because of the thoughts or "what ifs" that were plowing through my mind. I never once dreamed we would hear the words that came from my very humble, tough to the core Dad's mouth.

So I listened as he told us the news, and explained the unknown. 
His last chemotherapy treatment was thirty days ago, where his doctor advised him he "is as cancer free as anyone. But now his cancer had spread across his liver to both lungs. His oncologist advised him that at this point, if he were to do no treatments he would have a time frame of nine months to a year. 

That's just baffling news to me. How can a man that looks this amazing, has this type of positive attitude and seems to feel as well as he does be on that kind of time frame? It makes me angry, sad and just plain heartbroken. So I just sat starring in awe, trying to figure out how this is even possible. At this point, I'm pretty certain that look has yet to leave my face. 

His oncologist told him that the only option at this point is visit the Sara Cannon Cancer Center in Nashville. They will have the ability to give clinical treatments that are working for so many others. Even though this option isn't one that I ever imagined would even be a possibility, I am thankful for a hopeful place.

As I sit, over think and type my feelings out into this mediocre blog it just seems so unreal. I've woke in the mornings crying, had nightmares and just sat looking into the sky wondering how, why and just trying to understand.

I know that the "bad C word" is full of heartbreaks and even glories. So, I just continue to pray for the glorious day that this is no longer a monster standing in front of such an amazing man. But it has yet to take away the pain that I know my dear Mom is facing, or the days that shall come as I'm holding my daughter explaining words that I never want to even imagine. My sisters heart is so big, and holds emotions so well, but it breaks me to even know that she too is feeling this heartache. A Mother should never have to hear her son, give news as this. The cries that came from her heart, were some that I never want to hear again. The hugs between two grown men that have been best friends since they were children, would have killed anyone's heart that was standing near. Sisters that look up to their only brother for guidance and friend, I just pray that they stay as wise and prayerful as he always is. 

My Mom has been a strong, courageous, loving wife through the past year. As I know they were both looking forward to relaxing after surgery, and being done with the "bad C word" I also know she will continue to be just as amazing as she has been. Once again, it doesn't take away the pain that I cannot even imagine that she is facing. My heart just wants to make this disappear, take 12 years off of my life and still be a child running into the living room tackling him across the livingroom couch. I never wish this grief on anyone, yet this is just the beginning.

I've tried for days to even fathom the possible thoughts that I am just MAD at God. I mean how could my glorious Savior let this happen to my precious Dad. I want to be mad. I want to scream in a prayer and just ask why! But I can't. I sat outside with my children last night looking into the eclipse thinking just be mad at God. He has made something so marvelous like this eclipse and radiant moon, but my Dad is being given a time frame. But I couldn't. Something pulled my heart, and reminded me that with things as marvelous as what I was viewing, just think how prestigious Heaven will be. Some doctors may give time frames, but there is only one who knows when we will be called to the pearl gates of Heaven. 

Does this make my heart feel less broken? 

No. I just cannot physically wrap my mind around the unknown, and the thoughts of how sick he is. As a Mother, I cannot even type the words of how sad it made me to hear him speak of how he longs to see his grandchildren grow into adults. He has literally been an important figure to his Granddaughther since the moment Charli Beth entered in this world, as he sat by my side after rushing in to be there for me. I literally feel like someone is ripping me apart when I think about the grief, that my children will have. 

In saying that, Charli Beth does not know. This is out of respect for my Dad as his request and for her too. She knows that he is sick, but time frames are something that you never want to give children. Even hearing "the bad C word" hurts little innocent hearts. I never want to take her time with Pa and make it into a clock. So I ask that you be easy with words, and cautious as what you say in front of little ears. 

The friends that I have spoke to have asked what they can do for our family. At this time, just please pray. Pray for my Dad as he prepares to fight a new battle and my Mother as she fights alongside as a spouse. My heart may be exteremly sad, but to see my parents love for one another will forever be a blessing.

May I be strong as a daughter where I am continually feeling weak. May I never loose faith and always remember that there is a Savior prepared to hold our hands through long journies of sorrow.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

May All Pigs Be Just As Loved.

It's honestly the last thing that a parent ever wants to do. We all dream of flying through parenthood all cool and dreamy, with never seeing our children cry over sadness. Sadness can be extended to so many different levels. It can be in the form of discipline, death or just plain tragedy. 

In nine years as a parent, I have now watched my child cry with heartache twice. The first time was when telling her that Pa was facing the, "Bad C word." I will never in my life forget those tears, that conversation, or even the amount of tissues she blew through the night while I held her my arms. Then, this past week happened and she was faced with a new sadness. 

This may seem silly to some, but to others you will fully understand. Charli Beth is a full blown animal loving little girl. So loosing her pet guinea pig, Gus was gut wrenching. 

I came home from work as I headed to Tenenesse for my Dad's surgery and found him. We're sadly not sure what happened. After  attempts of stimulating him, I found it was best to head to vet where he passed. It was extremely sad, and I'm not sure my dear Motherly heart will ever recover from finding my daughters little fur babe in that state. 

My crazy tears and hysterical cries on the phone with the veterinary office while I tried to explain what was happening, all while I was suppose to be heading down to Vanderbilt for my Dad. I'm more than certain that they believe I am a nut case. 

We waited until I arrived home late that night to tell the children together. Charli was already curious as to why he wasn't in his cage, so when I explained his passing her heart broke. I cannot even imagine the heartache some children go through, because I promise that her strong Dad who also "never liked the creepy little thing" had a hard time with it. 

After a night of sleeping in a twin size bed with both kids, holding heads and wiping tears we've moved on. We're grateful for our time with sweet Gus, and so thankful for the many memories he gave to our family. From the many clean ups, tricks that Charli taught him, to the costumes she would make from scratch we will never forget the chunky little oinker.

May all guinea pigs be as well loved as Mr. Gus was. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015

28, is just a number right?

My birthday falls on September 11. I know, I know. Take a moment and gasp, or awe if you wish. I hear it every time I tell someone of the tragic date, is also the date that I celebrate my birthday. Each year, I reminisce back to the choir class that I was in chatting with friends, as we heard the news and turned on the television. Even though we are practically across the country, our hearts, mindsets, and worlds changed that day. Sadly still, it is my day of celebration on being on Earth with my family.

So each year, while in remembrance of each person we do so while blowing out birthday candles. It isn't only my birthday but my precious (now four years old) nephews birthday too. He somewhat, stole my center of attention, and decided to arrive 7 weeks early on this fabulous date as well.

But, what more fun can I have that picking on him while telling him it was totally my birthday FIRST.

My parents were gracious enough to celebrate with the children, my sisters family, and myself for our birthdays. The one thing about me that is probably worldly known, is that I am a foodie. So much so, that growing up my nickname was, and maybe still is Pig.

Yes, that's a tiny bit embarrassing as I grow older and even more so that I am married to a police officer. But I cannot lie, and say that it doesn't make me giggle. Anyhow, being the foodie that I am my parents let me pick what restaurant that I wanted to celebrate at for the night.

Of course, I picked a family style sit down meal that was a spread of country ham, pork chops, friend chicken and vegetables to match. Take about delicious.

I may have loved on the country ham, a little too much.

My silly Dad has jokes.

For dessert, I enjoyed Maple Pecan Banana Cake.

Can I get an amen?

Literally, if you are ever looking for a Bed and Breakfast to visit, with a sweet little town in tote, I highly suggest Federal Grove in Auburn, Kentucky. 

To me, 28 is just a number. I quit keeping up with the years sometime after the little princess in my life was born and I jumped ages by fifteen plus years. I may be getting closer to thirty, but I'm one more day close to another amazing memory with my sweet family.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Movin' On up ... To Sergeant!

I am thankfully blessed to be a wife to a very hardworking Husband and Father. His dedication to any activity that he is in shows just how much he puts his heart into all that be does. As most of you know, Curtis has been the k9 deputy for our local sheriffs department for the last 6 1/2 years. He's literally put more blood, sweat, tears and thoughts than I would've ever dreamed of doing. Which obviously is the reason why I am the wife of an Law Enforcement officer, rather than being one.

Curtis has always has the ambition to rise within the department, and knew that one day he would challenge himself to do so. So, when the opportunity arrived for him to proceed with an interview, I knew that he would accomplish it easily. 

We spent many nights laying around going over calls, and even drove home from vacation running scenarios by one another to prepare him mentally. This is one of the many times I can thank God for my background in 911 telecommunications. 

But really, I was absolutely zero help. 

The dude has a way with words (obviously, he now has me as a wife ;) ha!) and is the best at giving advice for interviews. 

As you can see, he was promoted to Sergerant and is able to keep his first shift position. {Praise The Lord!} There are many worries in being an LEO family, and one of them is the possible change in shifts. 

I was able to host a quick surprise get together Sunday night for Curtis to celebrate his promotion with family and friends. It was wonderful to be able to see families, that I often do not get to see. I believe he enjoyed the night relaxing before his new adventure started.

Some questions have been asked by many if this means Curtis will no longer be k9. The answer is he now has the title of Sgt. K9 until Gunner retires. Gunner is aging, and the work is strenuous to police dogs, so Curtis will be able to decide when it is time for G msn to retire. I will be honest and say that my heart doesn't do well with change. Anytime this subject is brought up, I begin to cry. The Mom in me just gets a little too emotional over the fur babe. But I do believe that this promotion is the best thing for Curtis, and a way for Gunner to slow down and enjoy life more. 

Please continue to pray for Curtis and all other LEO's. This is such a frightening time that we are living in to see such horrendous acts made upon men and women who sacrifice so much.


Saturday, August 29, 2015

Back to School for Bryar!!

This little stud constantly keeps me on my toes, or laughing until my belly hurts. He's a spitting image of his Daddy, and loves all things involving a super hero.

He's been waiting oh so not very patiently to return to preschool with me and the time finally came this past week. He was more than excited to return although a little upset that his previous friends had moved on to kindergarten. 

Of course he didn't let it slow him down, and he's already off to making a few new friends. 

I'm so thankful for his free spirit and his ability to go along with things, even though he isn't a fan of change. 

What's the story behind this shirt? Well... I came across this kid on Pinterest one night and couldn't help but to giggle at the fact that his pose was hysterically identical to B's. 

So I asked a friend to help a sister out, and make on similar because the link didn't work. All in all though, our boy is totally a stud.

We couldn't leave the house for school without getting a photo with Daddy and Gunner. What would a celebration be without our best friend? Sadly, Charli Beth was running a bit behind and didn't make the cut for photos this school year. 

This will be Bryar's first full year of preschool with us since he started at his third birthday. Some have asked why he is able to begin so early, and the answer is that any child with a delay or special need is able to start school at the age of three. You can either qualify by testing or through first steps. Being that Bryar was in first steps, (a government therapy program) for a speech delay, he was able to transfer into preschool. He will have one more full year of preschool next year before transitioning into Kindergarten. It seems like such a long time from now, but I can guarantee that the days will fly by. 

My personal "Mommy" goals for Bryar this year are:

-To have fun! 
- Continue with letter and number recognition
- Play hard! 
- Take a good nap everyday!
- Not to play in the dreaded music center
- Learn 3D shapes
- Make wonderful memories 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Charli Beth is in 4th Grade!!!

Summer fun is over and school is back in session as of August 11. Although, just because summer break is over it hopefully doesn't mean that all of the fun has ended...right? 

We sure hope not! But for now, we are still getting back into the groove of early bedtime routines, along with ball practice, and getting up early. I do believe that the hardest of all has been the acceptance that Charli Beth is now a fourth grader. 

Doesn't that sound so old? I just can't even handle it. But what I can handle is her being SO stinking adorable.

No one, and I mean no one better leave a comment saying how this will probably be her last year of bows, ruffles and "grade shirts." Because more than likely I'll be entered into a mental institute. 

I can also say that I love that she {still} wants to be a barrel racing champion. A girl that never gives up on her goals, will forever have my heart. 

She is in complete love with her new backpack and lunchbox. We even giggled at the fact that she has the bed set from Garnet Hill as well. Her love for horses, is still growing strong. 

Charli Beth's classroom is in hopes of gaining a new teacher in the next few weeks. Her original teacher left to be with her Husband and daughter in another part of the state due to job changes. Although, we love and already dearly miss this teacher, I pray that we are able to find a perfect match! 

But I must say that Charli Beth was overly ecstatic to have sweet Mrs. Downing covering for them.  Every child loves her in this same exact way. It's such a blessing to see teachers love their kids like they do. 

Last but not least I was do grateful that Charli's bestie snapped a shot of us before school started. 

I pray this year brings new learning excitements to all of our children. We can pray for so many thing for our babes as they begin a new school year but what matters most is their happiness, safety and lifetime memories. 

May this year be amazing :)

Monday, August 17, 2015

Goodbye Gallbladder

Today marks the 15th episode of Blue Bloods, 3 movies and 6 naps that I have taken since Friday. I'm honestly not use to laying around this much and it's slightly driving me bonkers. But to finally have the issue of having my gallbladder removed, makes it all worth it. 

The surgery was an easy process, and I was so thankful for the laparasopic procedure. I have a large scar that runs down my abdomen and at first look, it was a big possibility that an open procedure would be the route. 

Once surgery was over, I was in minimal pain but of course very sleepy. When I felt able to sit up, we called for my nurse to come in and help with the process to be safe. We're actually very lucky that we did because upon sitting up I instantly went down. I had no idea that my blood pressure was running low already, and sitting up only made it go even more so. 

Once laying back down, I was perfectly okay and back to sleep. We tried this process a few more times and each time it was the same, along with the dizziness causing nausea. Of course this was only due to the anesthetic that was given to me, and all is well now. Poor Curtis had to wait around all day while I slept off medicine. 

We somehow made it to the car around 4, and came home to bed. 

It really hasn't been too bad, and recovery has been a blessing with the help of my entire family. The kids have been staying with relatives since Thursday night. Last night they came by for a visit for a few minutes, and Charli Beth left this note for me to see as I headed to bed. 

Aren't kids just amazing? I miss them oh so very much but tonight they will be back home. I hope to be back to work tomorrow, but will be taking it slow for just a few more days. 

Story of Mommy

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I am a Christian, Wife to the man of my dreams and a Mother first before anything. I am the very PROUD Momma of Charli Beth that is a five year old little lady & and a new precious boy Bryar that was born in October! I just hope & pray to be the best mommy & wife as possible! II am a very simple girl, and the little things in life make me the happiest. My heart belongs in the country, and I can never imagine living anywhere else! I have amazing dreams for our family and I cannot wait to see where the Lord takes us on this journey!

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